Today I didn’t have much motivation to get anything done. That doesn’t happen very often, usually I have too many things going on. In fact, I believe I have ADD because I jump from on task to another, all with the intention of getting them all done. And, eventually, usually, I do get them all done.
I also don’t like to be idle because my head goes down a slippery slope to depression. I’m sure some therapist would be able to explain that to me or explore that with me. But, usually it passes quickly so I just sit with it until I get bored with it, lol.
When I think about what’s going on when I’m feeling unmotivated it’s frequently because I feel overwhelmed by something. Take for example the filing I have to do. Since before I went to the yoga ashram for a month to renew and heal, I have had paid bills, papers and written articles of interest, mail from my new insurance company and my financial investment statements sitting on the corner of my table. They’re not big individually but there’s a pretty good pile of them and they are annoying when I want to eat off my table.
My filing cabinet is in the corner of my tiny apartment partially blocked by my sofa, a plastic bin with a lamp on it and a bin of CDs I never listen to. So, putting things away is something I have to be intentional about – it’s not just opening a drawer and finding the right folder. I rarely want to make the effort.
Speaking of folders, usually I have to create new folders for one piece of new paper, like the veterinary records for my cat. Oh gah! I have to find the bin with folders in my bedroom under the desk behind the crib my father-in-law made by hand (so I’m not getting rid of THAT!) and then the tabs and inserts in the utility bins. Moving all the stuff and carefully maneuvering around the crib so I don’t break it takes my head onto the slippery slope.
I’m in this small place because its what I can afford. I have moved with furnishings for a two bedroom (with an office den) house into an attic apartment with sloping ceilings on both sides. I don’t want to get rid of more things because I hope to be better employed within the year and able to move into a larger, more grown up place. Then my thoughts start getting darker…why has it taken me so long to figure out what I’m good at and get the training so I can do this work? I can go back in time for answers to analyze what I learned or didn’t learn in childhood but that doesn’t help me now. I have good gifts and am working on setting myself up with employment but I just have to wait a bit for the fruit to come.
So, while I’m waiting, I come back to this moment in my “office” corner of my bedroom. I take the file folders, tabs and inserts back to the living room and start to put things away. I just go back to the thing I CAN do. There’s something basic about that, something we learned way back in the Garden of Eden. This part of the Creation story isn’t quoted much but it’s found in Genesis 2:15.
“The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to till it and keep it.”
So, here I see that the basics of filing papers and keeping them, or tending to our business – for the first man it was literally tending the garden- we learned early in our human story.
If you’ve ever gardened a big plot, you know that there are weeds as well as errant plants that you need to discard, but there are others that you keep, tie up or cage and eventually harvest the fruit from them. So, I’m going to get back to my filing now and trust that caring for the little annoying task will pay off down the road.